The Three Layers Of Love

In my opinion at least, a successful relationship is made up of 3 main components.

Originally, I was going to call this post “The Three Components Of Love”, however, I realised there is a definite order in which we notice these qualities. From my experience, the first quality must be there for us to notice the second quality, and so on. In a way, love works a bit like an onion, where one layer must be peeled to access the next layer.

the three layers of love

So what are the three layers of love?

1. Physical Attraction

The first layer of love is fairly obvious- physical attraction. People may argue to the contrary with me here, but I believe that to truly be attracted to someone, you need some level of visual chemistry. Not saying they have to be good looking (although that helps), but they need to have some features that hit your subconscious attraction points. For example, my ex-boyfriend wasn’t very good looking, but I like tall guys, and lean towards the blonde hair/ blue eyes combination, and he was tall, blonde, and blue-eyed, so on a subconscious level, there was some physical attraction there. The beauty of this is that all of our attraction points are different, so we all fancy different people, and it’s not just the supermodels who find love.

Of course, personality is what you ultimately fall for. But I also think you wouldn’t notice personality if there was’t some degree of physical attraction there. I’m sure we can all think of people who we liked who won us over due to their great personality, but I feel like if we didn’t also like their looks to a certain degree, we wouldn’t have gone there.

2. Personality & Chemistry

But looks are just the outer shell. The second layer of love is personality and chemistry. Maybe you could kiss someone of looks alone. Some people could even sleep with them. However, to truly fancy someone, you need a mental attraction too. If someone has model looks but can’t hold a conversation, there’s only so far you can go.

Again, this is partly subjective. Most people like confidence, but some prefer shy. We click with some people more than we do with others. And sometimes, you can like someone’s looks and their personality just fine, but the chemistry just isn’t there.

The second layer of love is crucial to feel a real attraction, rather than just “she/ he’s fit”. However, without the first layer of love, they’re just a friend.

3. Compatibility

Attraction is all well and good, but to make a relationship last, the final layer of love you need is compatibility. Sexual attraction is important, but you also need to be able to just get on with them. And of course the practical considerations like similar values, goals, living (or intending to live) in the same place, and so on.

This is the trickiest level of them all. You can scream at people until you’re blue in the face that the dating market isn’t stacked in their favour, their biological clock is ticking, or that you don’t think they’re attractive enough to get the kind of person that they’re looking for, but ultimately people aren’t going to date or sleep with someone they’re not attracted to. They’re just not. So it’s actually very hard to “settle” in that respect. But it’s very easy to settle in regards to compatibility. Attraction is all-consuming, and it’s rare to find that kind of chemistry, so people to overlook all kinds of bad behaviour when they feel it. But we shouldn’t.

Of course, compatibility alone is not enough. Without the two previous layers, even if you have one of them, you experience the “perfect on paper” scenario where you find someone who’s a great match… but you just wouldn’t sleep with them. But without the final layer of love, all you have is unbridled passion which will either blow up in flames or eventually fade. Which is fine in the short-term, but for the long-term, you need someone who can take you right down to the core of the onion of love.

Have you experienced the three layers of love? Let me know in the comments!

28 thoughts on “The Three Layers Of Love

  1. Interesting post. I know some couples who survive without the third but they tend to have volatile relationships. 2 and 3 without 1 may as well be a friendship.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a really interesting post! I agree with it mostly to an extent, I don’t think you need to have the same goals or live ambitions to work, sometimes your differences bring you together x

    Kayleigh Zara đŸŒŋ


    1. I think you do to some extent- I mean you have to want to live in the same place, but you can compromise in that you don’t have to agree on everything.


  3. Loved this! I think the only place I’d disagree is with 1 and 2 – I’d swap them around. I think if you find a person’s personality attractive and you have ‘chemistry’, then often they can become physically attractive to you also, even if they usually wouldn’t be your ‘type’ or could in fact be the complete opposite. I think that’s why relationships which started out as friendships first often last a lot longer than ones that were based on attraction – you are first attracted to the person on the inside and then the rest falls into place.


    1. Yeah I think someone can definitely become more or less attractive through personality, but I still feel like you need some degree of looks to go there!


  4. I have such a hard time buying into the physical attraction one. I remember having an argument with a friend who believed that physical attraction was everything. Her reasoning was that if you’re not physically attracted to someone then how do you know who to talk to if you’re in a crowded room. Although I get the argument, I don’t know if I exactly agree with it. I mean I don’t talk to people because they’re attractive. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. To me, physical attraction is less about looks, and more about enjoying this person’s physical company. However, I am far more drawn to attractive personalities, which could very well contribute to someone’s physical characteristics. A confident person may carry themselves completely different than someone who is self-loathing.
    Interesting post! I think you’ve given me some inspiration for this week’s blog posts!



    1. Yeah I think in that type of environment you approach people based on looks, but if you’re in a situation where you can get to know someone first they can grow on you. And yes- confidence can make a huge difference!


  5. This is such a great post! I completely agree with you! You definitely need all of those layers for a relationship to really work. And yes I think people definitely need some sort of attraction or they wouldn’t tend to get to know the rest of someone!
    PaleGirlRambling xo

    Liked by 1 person

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